Wake or Break

Hokage Report,

"Coping with Artistic Envy"

I know that feeling....I always feel that.......envy towards those better than me.

I can't seem to understand myself...am I just stubborn or do I not see reality? I know, even if I try harder, I can never be that good. When you meet a person who is far better than you, you are given two paths to choose from, the path of inspiration, when you feel like you have someone to look up to and follow as an example of whom you want to be, or the path of frustration, where you feel like there's a very very big gap between the two of you that if you will just be rational and realistic, it's impossible for you to reach that person, to the point that you'll think it's all pointless and quitting is better than blindly chase after a train barefooted.

I kept telling myself to never compare...there are things only a certain individual can do, something not even the bests could have think of, unfortunately, my mind is floating in the sea of dark expectations. I'm starting to feel disappointment towards myself and to what I'm capable of achieving given what I can do...and it scares me to see a future where all will be for nothing, and my efforts will be in vain. It angers me that I'm doing all this art stuff, yet I'm not even improving myself to at least be someone capable of doing what my ideal artist in mind can do. I don't want to tell myself that I'm hungry for recognition, not all artists want fame, we make artworks purely out of self-satisfaction and inner happiness, but if I'm just working and making artworks not to express myself but to chase after people better than me…then I'm going on the wrong path of artistry.

It's never wrong to try and be as good as someone you look up too, only, one must keep a firm confidence with his own skills that he can do better in some way.  Unfortunately, it's not fun for me...they are making artworks at ease, but me, I'm struggling, yet produce unsatisfying results. Am I raising my bar too high? No, I'm sure all I have now is frustration, I feel like whatever I do, I can't be that better; that my hard work will always be outshined and ignored...there will always be better than you out there, fact of life. It's painful when I think of something quite nice, yet pessimistically look forward and think that it will not be as good as what other artists' could have made it....

I'm starting to fear making artworks, with the thought that it is nothing in comparison with those better than mine...it will be just another picture…it will lose its voice...to be forgotten....Yes, I should just have fun, making artworks shouldn't be harmful, I'm just thinking too much, anxious, self-esteem all lost. I've always felt inferior, but I'm a disgrace to those who look up to me at the same time. If all I'm going to do for the rest of my time is too look for other people's works which are far better than mine, then there won't be any chance for me to be someone I wanted to be. I should work hard, harder...I know my skill can't match real talents, but I want to prove to myself that hard work can give great results.

Hey Hokage, don't you aim for fame and make artworks just so everyone will like it and praise you, it's not how things should go for you. You shouldn't be rushing towards the top, you shouldn't be aiming towards the top like that in the first place...everybody starts from the bottom, and do your best and it will all work out.

Yes, they are good, and you might not be able to reach their level in a hundred years, but like what you pointed out in your past journal, pros and amateurs aren't that far from each other, pros got the upper hand and took the lead, but we are sure to follow. If you are losing confidence with your art, it's just normal, envy and jealousy is a natural emotion, you can deny it, but you can't lie to yourself of what you truly feel. Admit that you are frustrated, and you want to be there on top. You want to feel the sunshine too, all artists are simple in that perspective, that we all wanted to be appreciated, an assurance that our efforts are worth it, that we're not wasting our energy for nothing, that our thoughts matter, our ideas can change the world little by little. But be aware that you are on a journey, and you have to travel all possible roads to get there, however hard it is. In the end, those who persevere will be more successful.  Always believe in yourself, you may not be that good, but work hard, you will achieve things if you put your mind and effort into it...

What I'm positive about this feeling of artistic envy towards other artists is that it proves that I'm serious with my art. If art isn't a part of me, then I really won't mind and be conscious about my skills and others as well. If I'm not serious, I won't feel bad when I'm not improving, or when I'm not giving my best in every works I make. It is because I love art that I keep on creating despite the fact that it could be in vain, because finishing an artwork is rewarding enough, the thought that your idea is now on paper or any canvass, is an achievement, something you did yourself and no one else. You should be happy with the success of others; instead of wishing that they broke their hands so that you can hug the spot light…crab mentality is ugly. Don't feel like a defeated person, just because you're not good enough…yes, you wish you could have done that amazing artwork yourself, but that's what makes art so wonderful. It just show how vast the world is, how many possibilities it has, the fact that you have someone to admire means their works are "possible" to create, in a world of art filled with idealism which seems impossible to attain. I love the fact that inspiring works has been made by others in a way, even though I wish I could have done it myself, it just gives me a chance to work on another, much original artwork than the one given.

There are two ways to deal with envy, quit or be inspired, to wake up or break down. There are times when you feel like you're sick of it all, you had enough, you want to be as good, but it gives you that moment of reflection, an evaluation, an assessment of yourself, to know more about what hinders you to be better, what is preventing you to be inspired, what is blocking you to make artworks that will make you proud. I personally, wanted to achieve great heights, and seeing other artists set the bar of what my ideal art should be created gives me a peek to what direction I have to go to. Envy or jealousy, can be good since it makes you aware of what you want, and eventually, strive to reach for it. Also, if you are the one being admired, stay humble, treat everyone with respect and keep doing what you're good at, use that confidence to inspire more people…the fact is, every artist in the community share the same sky, which is why we all work together to improve each other's skills and personality.

SO I think I'll be keeping myself dreaming to be as good as the others, but dreaming and just dreaming alone will get one nowhere. I'll try harder, I'll try to exercise more discipline (which I know I'm lacking), and focus on my goal, to make this world a better place, one artwork at a time….

Whew…..now I'm glad I rubbed it of my chest, now I feel better now….so guys, have you ever felt jealous of others you admire? How did you deal with it?

Rare for me to leave a hanging question, but I'm interested with this artistic envy thing….that's all for now though, this is Hokage.